前不久纽约时报的网站登了一篇文章名字是"How to Not Look Too Silly on a Skateboard"(怎样才可以不要在滑板上看起来那么蠢),时隔没几天, VICE杂志就登了另外一篇"HOW TO LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE ON A SKATEBOARD"(怎样才能在滑板上看起来像个混蛋)以作为对那篇文章的挑战和取笑.非常有趣拿来分享,不知道你们心目中的"板上混蛋"是什么样子?
Share from Vice Mag.
Last week the New York Times published a detailed fashion guide on how to look like a complete jackass on a skateboard from the helmet all the way down to the longboard. The article was titled "How to Not Look Too Silly on a Skateboard," and I still halfway think the Times is trolling me (did I use that word correctly, Glen?). The piece was written by a guy named Alex Williams, who wrote an article the next day titled "Skateboarding Past a Midlife Crisis," which features a diagram of "the aging skate rebel today" holding a Bustin longboard and a fucking VitaCoco. The two pieces link back to each other like a hellish, mongo-pushing Ouroboros. I have both articles open right now and the urge to vomit on my computer screen has never been so strong.
The Times is notorious for being mind-bogglingly out of touch when it comes to anything that could be remotely considered "counter culture" (to put it in their lingo), but these two articles are the journalistic equivalent of me attempting to write about the migration habits of the Bar-tailed Godwit in Sanskrit. Let's examine the paper of record's model of a "not-silly" skateboarder.
第一条:滑长板
The article starts: "You’re not a street kid anymore, so try a longboard with big soft wheels for easy cruising and carving." I wouldn't say that people who ride longboards should be euthanized, but the culture that longboards have spawned could certainly be wiped off the face of the Earth and no one would care. Right? Blame it on the gloved herd of Bustin riders in Union Square or Sector 9, but longboarding has always been skateboarding's Peter Criss.
第二条:戴头盔
This one starts with: "Don't forget the helmet. If it's cool enough for Tony Hawk it's cool enough for you." By that line of reasoning, we are also all cool enough to be stuck inside of a McDonald's Happy Meal and serve as a human spittoon for Duane Peters (Yes, I realize I'm linking to a video on Tony Hawk's site. The guy is unavoidable.) For better or worse, this is a universally acknowledged truth in skateboarding: Unless you're skating vert (or transition in general if you're over 40), you cannot wear a helmet. It just isn’t allowed. Helmets are clunky and hot and they make your head look like the top of a penis. Sorry, thems are just the facts.
第三条:穿护臀
"Your rump may have bulked up, but you’ll thank yourself for the extra protection. Crash Pads makes a line of padded underwear." If you feel the need to wear padded underwear for skating—or any activity for that matter—just don't do that activity. Simple.
第四条:穿的像那些讲滑板传奇故事的电影里一样
Just kidding, he doesn’t actually say that. He does, however, recommend you channel "the Z-Boys with an old-school 'Dogtown' logo hoodie," which, coming from the author, is really just another way of saying "dress like the people in that Heath Ledger movie."
第五条:看那些讲滑板传奇故事的老电影
I knew he’d figure out a way to work it in there. For inspiration, Alex suggests watching "Lords of Dogtown, the 2005 film starring Heath Ledger." Is everyone watching Hollywood blockbusters featuring glistening shirtless hunks making grilled cheese sandwiches by the pool (I'm guessing that's what happens?) before going skating these days? Am I behind the curve on this one?
第六条:跟那些曾经在海洋世界滑板的人学习怎么滑板
"A total beginner? Get a copy of “Skateboarding Explained: The Instructional DVD” by Dan MacFarlane." I have nothing to say about Dan that he doesn't say about himself on his website: "My recent NASA Space Center demo event really reminded me of when I used to do demos at Sea World. Here’s an old Sea World Ad featuring me doing an Indy Grab. Note the Formula One deck… I was riding for them at the time. I will also be uploading a video from Sea World soon! It also features Darryl Grogan, and Dennis Martin."
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